I am hungry, hear me roar
Hello faithful reader
I apologize for my lack of May posts. May has been a really hard month. It’s been tough since spring break because I’ve been feeling really burnt out, and I hold it all in, because I don’t like being the debbie downer, holding bad news all the time about what not to eat anymore, or how we’re all going to die because mother nature is going to wipe us all out. I’ve been complaining a lot about the systemic problems in our lives, and have been feeling really conflicted because I always have the privileged option of opting out, and giving up on this fight simply by moving home post grad. So I’ve been hesitant to write, because I was scared.
My friend described my blog to another avid food lover as a space where “she whines about the current food issues” that we all face everyday. And I was taken aback by that description (even though any feedback is good) I don’t want to sound like a baby or act like one and just whine and cry all the time. When I was being trained as an artist, I was taught to create a safe space in order to own the space. To identify all the rules, and break them all. I am rebellious by nature, and when the going gets tough, I am a pro at deflecting attention from myself to others and criticize what everyone else is doing wrong. So needless to say, I was very upset to learn about all the hard stuff about money, and economics, and science, wrapped up in empty promises, lies, and cut throat survival techniques from people who have built up their own systems in order to challenge the current one. So it was easy for me to turn this space into one were I was able to emotionally indulge in it and whine about all that was wrong with the food system, when it became too hard to find the opportunities for change, and stay strong mentally in order to fight off all the negative forces that just make me want to give up. Life’s hard and I was angry that the one comfort I had always had through eating and consuming, was slowing consuming me and jading the way I viewed the world. My relationship with food was changing at a rate that I was no comfortable with, and I got scared. I ran, I tried to ignore, and I tried to escape, only to realize how small I was playing, and how much weaker I actually felt. I don’t want to run anymore. It is what it is. And what I walk away from this year is this: people will always be hungry, and therefore people will always fight for their survival and do what it takes, even if it means taking care of yourself first and foremost. It is in our nature. If and when it’s time for me to become a mom, this will all change again, by I cannot get there until I finish this step first.
And although I may feel completely consumed by it all most of the time, I cannot lose hope. Because once I stop believing in myself, it’s over. They’ve won. I can’t let that happen. That is not finishing what I started, when I chose this journey and that is just playing small to let them win. And I am competitive by nature, I hate to lose.
I just need to change my relationship with myself, and not let my thoughts consume me. It’s time to survive. It’s time to bring my A game. again and again and again.
I am hungry. Hear me roar!